“All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't.”
Marilyn Monroe

Monday, January 21, 2013


         School has started back up.I am still not moved up near the college so that means twice a week I still drive over 100 miles. Soon though I know I will be moved.Even though that day in time remains unknown to me. And lately houses are hard to find. I feel one step closer now that I no longer have my part time job. Free from this small little town. Free to move to something different maybe just for a little while, maybe to learn maybe to grow. I think it will be really nice to be able to move closer to my school. Sometimes I get so excited I giggle.
  "Wow, I really am in College."
There is something about my life right now that allows me to smile. Maybe I have learned to smile over the years, or maybe I know that my life is always changing so why not just enjoy it right now.
    Life an be painful, and there will be time where nothing make since. But when we stop sleep walking we allow ourselves to wake up and see that life is our to live. I heard a great quote that I want to share. I think about it when things seem to much to handle. Maybe you find beauty in this life and may you smile often. 

“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." 

~Kahlil Gibran

Monday, November 26, 2012

For Better or For worse

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 
Jeremiah 29:11-13

      On Saturday I was able to be part of a beautiful wedding. The wedding was wonderful. I guess that is what you get when you watch two people being joined together in marriage. Two people that love God and are willing to commit their marriage to God. It is beautiful.
    Well after the wedding I started thinking about how God has called me his Bride. Well in all honestly I think the wedding got me thinking about how some day I would love to find the man God has for me. A  man that will love me everyday no matter what I can give to him. I guess I was thinking about love. But on my ride home I got the feeling that I was very much loved in a special way already more then I could every be loved by any man. God has called me his bride.
   It is a humbling feeling to know that God loves you no matter what you do or say. My human response went something like this. Many tears, repentance on my part,and then my bright idea which was live a better life.
    So that night I decided that I was going to live a better life. Funny right? I guess I just wanted to feel like I should deserve the love God has for me. So that night I really focuses on reading my bible  and praying. Then the next day I woke up and headed to work. Things where going great until I got stuck behind a slow driver. Then I BLEW it. I totally lost my kindness and did not handle it in the way that I should have.  Worthlessness, Shame, the power of sin. Those are the feeling that could have flooded my mind. Right? I mean here I was not ever 24 hours in to trying to give God what he deserves and I was failing. Why should I be able to feel worth something? How could God love someone that could not give him anything in return?
God loves me so much! Yes he is not happy with sin. But those feeling I feel when I fail God  have no right being part of my life. They were put to death when Christ died for my sins on the cross.  God is God and I am his Bride, on my worse day God loves me the same as he did on my best day.  Maybe I am still learning his. I know I am. It may be hard to understand how God could love me or you for better or for worse. That he knows what is best for you. Fatem that I tell myself. Think about that when you feel alone or scared. I am Gods bride clothed in white because of what Christ did I get to wear white instead of what the color of sin is.

                                      "Nothing can separate us from the Love of Christ."

Monday, September 17, 2012


   Well school has started and has been going good. I love it I really do, but I feel overwhelmed about 5 days out of my week.  But who cares right? No pain no gain. :) I did go down to Office Depot and buy myself a big calender. Look out Dean's list here I come!!
    I have some new exciting and scary news too. For one week starting today I will be living on a farm not to far from my College. If all goes well I will be hired as a farm hand.   
The day I found that job I really was questioning what my next step was. With x amount of dollars and with winter coming I knew that staying in my little camper was not the thing to do. As of about 6 days ago that was my home. Don't get me wrong I loved it dearly. But the cold nights really were getting to me. So my point is this. Call it faith call it luck. But what is it really? What is it that makes our path clear right when we need to take a step? Why is it that sometimes we take steps even when we have no idea where we are going? Is it God, is it us? These are my real questions. Sometimes I can feel so lost and out of control then just when I need it there is something to look forward too. It happened just the other day so what do you do naturally when you see something ahead? You move ahead. That is what I did or am doing right now. It feels kinda like nothing I felt before, yet I know I have felt this feeling a 100 times already. It is that feeling of newness,and the feeling that I only know how to explain one way.With a short story. When I was a child we traveled to the ocean 2 or more times a year. It was and still is my all time favorite place. About 10 miles from the beach is a small town. From this town there is no way you can see or smell the beach, yet each and every time we drove through this town I thought for sure I did smell the salty ocean. It was just because I knew that I was so close and in my mind It made the Ocean seem right there so real to me that I thought I could smell it. Same with each step I take, I know that I can't see my dreams coming true right now yet a part of me honestly feels them coming true. It is a wonderful feeling caused only by moving ahead.         
      There is also a feeling of sadness as you move ahead. I cried as I drove out of the town I grew up in yesterday. It is a place of pain and joy stories after stories. It is a place that I was raised in it was all I have known. To drive out of the place that pretty much was your life was sad. As you drove you knew that behind you was family and friends. Trees that you hung from as a child. Rivers you swam at. The church you were baptized in and attended each Sunday. The School that was so little yet held a huge place in my heart. All of this was slowly getting smaller and further away as my old car drove on. Such a sad feeling really. A part of me wishes that I was there back at the place that I knew who I was at the place that knew me. And then there is the part of me that dreams of something different then a small town, something different then a small town girl too.     
                      So here I go taking another step.

Maybe I will keep this blog more updated and you can see where my journey will lead me.
                           Always beautiful,

Friday, July 13, 2012

Two amazing things.... that taught me a leason

I have done a very horrible job about updated my blog. I will not even begin to list all my excuses. But I will list one. Just one.  Can anyone say summer time? The word should be defined as crazy, busy, fun, and limited to any free time. 
I really have been having the best summer I think I have ever had. 
I have been doing so many things ,but I will not write about them today , because I do not feel inspired to write about them yet. Instead there is something else that I desire to write about. Two things, but I think they beautifully come together, so in the end I will have written about them both. LOVE when that happens.
 Love! It seems to be a heavy topic this time of year. Lots of people in it, many people despise it, some people fear it. Love is funny because it can be a noun or a verb. It can be something you want, something you have, something you do. It can make you incandescently happy or miserably sad. It can be the source of good in your life and the source of evil. It opens doors, yet also breaks hearts. I love love. Everything it entails. I love things, I love people, I love the idea of caring so much about anything that you need a word specifically to describe how you feel about it. I love that it gives people hope. I love that even in the darkest and saddest of times, you at least feel something. People do crazy things when they're in love . There are so many forms of love, and it means many different things to different people, but I want to talk about love in relationships (typical, right?). 
Two amazing things have happened to me both around July 4th. I have to smile about them both there is just no way not to. They both are so different that at first I thought they were in no way connected. But then today I found out that they are. Sorry I know you must be dieing to find out what they are. So I will stop rambling and tell you. The first is a beautiful nest. The other is a beautiful friendship. 
Humm you see why I thought they were once so different. But let me tell you the story of the nest first.
I am taking care of my Grandmother's garden while she is away. On the first day of water and tending to the plants I watched as a bird flew out of the a planter and landed on a near by bush.
 "I wonder what that silly bird is doing in the planter in the first place."
I thought well maybe she has a nest! Indeed she had a nest. With 4 beautiful little brown spotted eggs inside. I get excited very easily so as you can picture this with me please by all means smile. I jumped up and down waving my hands in the air and I'm sure I was screaming all the way inside. Where my Grandpa was. For some reason I thought that he was not aware of my joy. (He had been watching out his window the whole time) But he was very much aware of the joy the little eggs in the nest brought me. Although he smiled it seemed to me that he was not as thrilled as I was. He even had a very Grandfather moment and reminded me that the birds may not hatch and that I have to be ok with that if it happens. I don't think I really was listening to him or maybe I was but I was not willing to believe what he was saying. In my mind my little egg friends would hatch and I would soon have little bird friends.
And as I had hoped the did hatch! Two days later I went out to see the nest and a little cute (ok ugly) baby bird sat inside it. Just one. I was kinda sad when I thought that this little baby may be the only one that was gonna fill the nest. But the very next day the other 3 cute-ugly baby birds hatched. Every day I have gone out to look at them and admire them. I know that you are not to touch them, and so I don't. But I do stand close and smile at them. The first few days they just sat there not really doing anything at all. But yesterday when I looked at them they were all so big. They all 4 opened their mouth like I was their mommy bringing them food. And they sure are getting cute as the days pass. I know that one day I will go out there and I will find my nest empty and I think that part of me will be sad. But part of me will smile at the fact that the birds are some where out in this world living, flying around with the little wings I have watched grow. Someday they will build a little nest of their own and they will start all over. I know that the love I have for the birds are not the same kind of love I have for a friend or family member , but I think it is still a love feeling. A feeling of hope. These birds have shown me that as each day passes things change, you can do anything about the fact that somethings will be out of your control. But like I have done with my birds you can do with many things in life. You can smile at the things that make you smile and jump up and down at the things at make you that happy. Hope, happiness, love,and little Joy are the names of my little feather friends.
        So now is the other thing that I feel inspired to write about. Around the same time the birds were discover so was a friendship. I meant this guy, and like finding the nest and the eggs that is what I felt like. I felt like there could be hope for a friendship. I was more willing to think there was then to think there was not going to be a friendship at all. But I still had no idea if anything would happen. So I waited. And waited... and lastly waited some more. And then things started to happen. Slowly kinda like finding my hatched egg but only finding a little bird laying there not really doing anything. Which is fine. It is by all means good for me to wait. But the more me and this guy talked and e-mailed each other the more I wanted to wake up the next day just so I could see what was gonna happen . I found that he made me smile more then I thought anyone could make me. I laughed and giggled like a girl watching a romantic movie. :) I want nothing more then to make this new friend of mine smile as much as I do. I want to make his life as happy as it can be. I want to hear all the stories he will tell me. I want to just hear all he has to say, and ask him 100's of questions. I desire to know all.
But like the birds I can't do anything about anything, and honestly I don't want to. I want to just stand close and smile at the things I can smile at, and I want to be honest and open and I want to watch as things change and hopefully bloom into something beautiful and special. 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A crazy cat story

     Movies like where the Red Ferns grow, Old Yeller, Black beauty, and Lassie and very dangerous. You see they get you distracted ,and then you lose all your common sense. It doesn't matter if the movie is about dogs, horses, or even a pig. The all start off the same. There is a little child.. Now this little child has a deep deep longing for a animal. Their longing is so deep that they are put into a pit of depression because of it. Then after watching their child suffer the parents give in and get the child a pet of their very own. Or as some say a "friend" this child went from being in a pit of depression to being in a pit of total heaven. Finally a pet of their own to have and hold for the rest of its dear life. Yeah!!! But that is just it you think it will end happily but it doesn't. It is always a bitter sweet ending. The pet always die and it is then the the child realizes that the death of the animal is not important, because all the year and happy memories that were spent with them is so much more greater then death.  Blaaa blaaa blaaa.. But yet every time I watch them I am in tears. Finding myself saying "Ohhhh... I wish I could love like that." But what these stories refuse to tell you is this little fact. In this world there are millions of dogs and cats. Millions! Out of all of them there are 25 that are as good as the ones in the movies. 25, yes that is it. You see you watch these movies then you go to the pet store and buy a dog and never once think about it being a bad dog, but before you take it in your arms it is already an "Old Dan" to you. Don't feel bad if you have fallen for this lie , because we have too. Which is why I am here now writing a story about a cat and a little girl.
It all started with this one time. This one time... Oh I remember it like it was yesterday. My father was gone visiting and when he got back he had with him a kitten. A kitten for my little sister. The joy filled my little sisters eyes as my father told her this little cat was her very own. You see this cat was already perfect. It was cute and it was hers so nothing else mattered. Never once did we think that perhaps this cat was not one of the 25 good cats. We were in love that was all that mattered. How we feel in love with her so fast blows me away even to this day. You see although we knew the box that was in my fathers hands had a cat inside of it we knew not what she looked liked.  Yet we knew she just had to be sooo cute.
From inside the box you could hear her banging around.She was fighting mad. She hissed and whacked the box each time one of us tried to bend down to let her out.
"Don't worry children she will calm down she is just scared." These were my fathers words. Then he very quickly opened the box and we sat and watched as this gray thing ran as fast as it could under the couch. That was all we seen of her for the first lets see 2 weeks. She was a kitten when we got her , but before we really seen her up close she was almost full grown. During this time  my 4 year old sister started to train her. How she did it I don't know. But soon this cat would come up to her and follow her around. Heart touching I know. Kidding kidding. Although my little sister could touch this cat we could not. This cat soon became a nightmare to all of us. It peed on everything. It would knock over the plants. It would wait for someone to go to the bathroom and then attack them. It was so bad that when we had people over and we seen them heading for the bathroom all of us would yell.
 "Watch out!!"
  Late at night you could hear the little kids cry because the cat decided that its toys were boring and that the kids face seemed much funner. The cat was named Katie, Katie the kitty. Katie the Kitty loved her cat tree that sat in the far corner of our living room. The corner that the kids are sent to when they disobey. The corner that is right next to the boys room. It has become so bad that when they are sent to the corner the scream not because they are in trouble but because they know if they make one little move that the cat dislikes she will jump on them with all her claws out. They try hard to avoid getting sent there.
We as a family are not evil. We are the kind that take in strays and give broken winged birds a real chance at life. But we have all decided that this cat better not have 9 lives. Mom has offered to shoot her. I have offered to give her swimming lessons down at the river. The little boys all want her to be an out door cat that gets lost. Even at one point my little sister told me that she wanted a "real cat." She pleading to me that if she could sell Katie she would buy a horse.  This may all sound bad to you that we could all hate her so much. But she is a rotten cat that has been rotten since day one.
  Chances have been given to her. Sometimes she will lay on the floor and look so peaceful. My little sister will come and nicely lay down next to her. Katie will even crawl into her lap then just when we think she has out grown her meanness. She will bite my little sisters face.
    While my parents were gone one time they kindly ask that I would try my best to make Katie an outside cat. As I watched them drive down our driveway and I thought to myself. "Wow they could have asked me something easier like learning how to fly or something." So all week I spent trying to get this cat outside. This is hard he the cat for one not always likes to even be touched plus when ever she sees you carrying her to a door she freaks out ripping your arm skin clean off. Need I say this was not going to be the way I got her out. So my clever mind decided that if we could just put her inside something and then take her outside and let her go it was bound to work. So this is the point when a person finds a box or a cat carrier. Not me I found a cooler. Don't judge me! I mean think about it, it has four sides and a bottom and a top. Works for me. So I found her some canned food and put it inside then all of us hid behind the counter and waited... and waited. Finally she got inside and my little brother ran over and closed the lid and we all danced around for 5 minutes singing and shouting.
   Katie did not like the idea of spending a night outside. All night she scratched at the door and meowed in anger. She somehow lived that night.But the next day we went on living our happy life and she went on doing whatever she wanted too do. Truthfully she never crossed my mind until I heard the rushing of 3 kids come running into the house screaming there is something dead outside. Now if you are around kids much you know that they have many types of screams. They have the sad and scared scream ,and they have a scream of gladness. Sadly to say the scream I heard at that moment was a scream of gladness. I on the other hand was having mix emotions about all this. For one I disliked the cat, but I also disliked dealing with anything dead. But since I knew the dead thing had to be dealt with I went out to take care of it. As I walked across my yard I couldn't help but hear the little's talking.
"Do you think it was really her!." One had said.
"We will see." The other one said skipping like we were going to get ice cream NOT going to bury a dead thing.
 When I got over there I took one look at the thing and knew it was not her. But I laughed pretty hard at my siblings as they walked home heads hanging low.
The cat lived and the children have not been attacked since she has been outside. She even seems to be nice now that she lives outside.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I have a simple question. How many of you are adopted? Do you know that if I asked that question in a classroom of 100 people, the likely hood is that 50 of those people will raise their hands. That is half the class! Half the class will raise their hand and state that they were adopted. I am adopted. I am adopted child. So, this subject is very important to me. It is important to me that all of you should understand what it means when a child is adopted. It is a subject that is very dear to me.
So, what is adoption?
Adoption is the legal and emotional acceptance into your family of a child not born to you. This child will have your name and the same legal rights as a child by birth. After the adoption is approved by the court, you will receive an official decree and a birth certificate with your name listed as the birth parent. It is now your responsibility to feed, clothe, house, and educate your adopted child. The adopted child should receive the same love and understanding as a child born to you.
Adoption has been going on for longer than, I think, most people realize. The first time America records it taking place as a legal act, was in 1851. Massachusetts passed the first modern adoption law, recognizing adoption as a social and legal operation based on child welfare rather than adult interests. Historians consider the 1851, Adoption of Children Act, an important turning point because it directed judges to ensure that adoption decrees were “fit and proper.” How this determination was to be made was left entirely to judicial discretion.
In the days of the bible, it talks about a brother stepping in and caring for his dead brother's family. This family now became his. Adoption is a big deal. Now, there are some who look down on it and say that it is not real. There are some who even say it is not a good thing, that it is too risky a thing to do. However, there are somethings that I would like to share with you. When a child is adopted by a family that does not share common blood running through their body the same as yours yet still choses to call you their child, when a mom and dad look at a child and fall in love with them and decide that this child will be theirs forever and ever, even though they may never be able to say where the scar on her left cheek came from or they may never understand why he is deathly afraid of water...these parents don't care where you came from, what you have seen or what you have heard. They want to love you and have you become their child. They want you to have a new life, a life where they will tell you things and show you things that you may never have been able to see or hear before. Sacrifice!
So, I know you are all thinking...why on earth is she giving us a history lesson about adoption during bible study?
This is my reason. I have one reason for doing so. Now, God may have more than one, but, I am telling you all this about adoptions so that you know and understand more deeply the love that God has shown you. Adoption is important to God.
" Now, when my time came and I placed my faith in Jesus, God instantly granted me a great salvation. He forgave me of all of my sins, past, present, and future. He made me His child, adopting me into His family. He gave me the gift of the Holy Spirit, who gives me God's power, who pours out God's love within my heart, and who tenderly communicates to my spirit that I am a child of God and an heir of eternal glory in heaven. In saving me , God also freed me from slavery to any and all my sins. I no longer have to sin again, for sin's mastery over me has been broken!"
Here are some verses I want to share with you. Colossians 2:13 , Psalm 103:12, Ephesians 1:5 , John 1:12 , Acts 1:8 , Ephesions 3:16 ,Ephesions 1:13-14, Romans 8:16-17 ,Romans 6:6-7-14
Any one that has placed their faith in Jesus has been adopted. Now, just because we are adopted doesn't mean that we live like we are. I know many people that have been adopted by loving families and yet they refuse to believe that they are loved and that they can live a different life. They think that at any moment their adoptive parents' love will end. They choose to live as orphans. There are people who have given their life to Christ. To Him they are His child, righteous before Him yet they choose not to live like that. They think that at any moment they will sin and that will be the deal breaker. They wait for that one unforgiveable sin that will seprate them from the love of their Father God. They remain the aloof orphan...distant and not trusting, waiting to be returned to the orphanage. I am going to tell you that it can't happen. You can't be unadopted. Once Christ adopts you you are given His name YOU ARE HIS CHILD FROM THEN UNTIL....FOREVER!!
Romans 8: 35
I understand more than most, that it is hard to change your thinking. It is hard to believe that nothing can change the way Christ looks at you. It is hard to go from the thinking that at any moment your are going to be cut off from His love to trusting and believing that what He says it real and true. But when you do, you will then start to look at the Gospel with truth and understanding. You will truly begin to see God's love for you.
I have something to ask of you. On a peice of paper I want you to write three things. I want you to write to God telling Him the ways you have been acting like an orphan and not His child. Then, I want you to hold onto that list and pray over it from time to time. I want you to notice that, when you are doubting and waiting for that final deal breaker, that you can pull out that list and say LIES!! I am a child of God and NOTHING, nothing can separate me from Him or from His love!