“All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't.”
Marilyn Monroe

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

In his arms

I feel sick right now. Not from a cold or a flu. But from sin. I'm sorry if this post makes people upset. Or makes them roll their eyes or feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if you feel disappointed with me after you read this. The truth is I'm bound to hit one of those feelings with someone. I do have many friends that do not live are believe the way I do. I have family that are way different than me. But at some point I think everyone has felt the same way. I think everyone has felt pain.No matter how many walls you have built around your heart or how tough you claim to be everyone on this earth felt it at one point or even still feels it as I type.
Well I'm at that spot right now to write this. The place where my heart literally is in pain. I'm doubting myself right now. I'm wondering if I should write this in the morning because my eyes are burning and swollen from crying. I will write this tonight. If not for anyone else for ME. For me to fully understand SIN. I was on the other side of this post a few months ago. I was the very one I am writing about. I was the one that caused others to feel sick and have burning eyes. I was the one that had TRUE friends say "I love you." I was the one that spit on them and their words, and I was the one that said God leave me the hell alone stop messing up my life. Yes, I said Hell. Those were MY words to God.
So here I am. Here I am being spit on by someone I would lay my life down for. Someone that has been in my prayers almost every night for years. Someone that I have never really been BEST friends with, but I have watched her as she cried because her parents shipped her off to a school. I was there the day she bought a pregnancy test. I was there to see her young face show fear. To be honest I was even with her in the bathroom as she took it. I was there and watched her fight with people as she decided what to do now. I was there when she told me her boyfriend and her split up. I was there when she decided that when her baby was born she would let it be adopted to a better home. I was with her by her side for 9 months as her belly grew and her baby started to grow. I was in the same room with her as she heard the babies heartbeat. I was the one that wiped her tears off her face for her when the nurse said it was a girl.... I was with her as she went into labor. My hand was her stress relief. I was there as she handed her newborn beautiful baby girl into the hands of a wonderful couple that would take her miles and miles away...... And sadly I was the one that saw it break her heart. I was the one that seen her run as far as she could. I watched her cover her pain up with a marriage. I watched her husband treat her like dirt. I watched her fall and fall away from God. I watched her make God nothing but an old man in the sky for her and her life. Now I'm watching her divorcing. Now I'm watching her suffer more pain. Now I'm bagging for her to move back so that I can hold her hand once more and be the one to wipe her tears off her face. And God is telling me no. God is telling me that it won't help. That hurts, I love her I want to tell her even if it is a lie that everything will be ok. At first when I remembered all I was there with her for I wonder why God had shown me it. But now I know that God was there for all the parts that I was and the parts that I wasn't. He loves her more than I could ever love her. And he hates all that is going on. I can't help but say that this amount of pain I feel is tiny compared to what God feels...
God is showing me and reminding me of my very life and where it was that I was at not to long ago. I had people that loved me. I even had people that told me it was all going to be ok. It did nothing. I needed to be able to go to God and let him do that. I needed to wake up and repent and run to him. When I did do that really really and honestly trust only God with my life. All my tears were wiped away. All the pain I felt, the uncertainty I lived with daily were gone. It wasn't magic it was the power of God. When I came to him that day it was like nothing I had ever felt before . It was like all I felt was his huge hug. I didn't feel shame. I didn't feel scared. I felt the love of God around me. No way was there a worry in my life that day. I had made it back home to him. Right were his girl needs to be. So tightly wrapped up in his arms that nothing can harm me. Not even myself.
It was a long hard lesson that I had to learn before I figured that was what God wanted and what I needed. I had grown up without trust. I was hurt and not ever protect as a child. And so when I meant God sure I loved him and read the bible. But I was always waiting for that sin that would make him hate me. I was always worrying about things because surly if God was in control he would mess it all up. Never was his love enough for me. I was looking in every place possible for love and affection. So I went on a little ride to hell,as I like to say. It hurt me so much do be on my own, kicking God out of my life day after day. Thinking that I was better at life them him.
So as I watch my friend do the same and suffer the same I am sickened. I knew that God allowed me to go through all I have been through to teach me and better my relationship with him. But now I see that in fact it was so I could always be reminded that Sin is horrid. My friend is not the only one that suffers from it. So many people do. Oh that's right we all do. So every time I see the old Brandie come out in others I should be remind to pray. I should be the one that doesn't judge but tells them that God wants them to be in his arms. I should tell them that God is what they need. As I feel this pain for her. I am remind how much it hurts God too. He created her and her heart. He desires her love and look at it.
A year or so ago I wrote this letter for this same friend. I never did find the perfect time to give it to her until now. Funny how God allowed me to write it to her then. But is telling me to give it to her now. I would like to share it with you too.
To ......
I have a love of my life. No one but me truly understands how much I love her. How much I want her all to myself. But most of the time she forgets all about me. She lives her life like we've never even meant. If you were to see her you might not even know that we have shared a love deeper than most. Sometimes she'll go weeks or even months without talking to me. I try to bring up conversation, and I always let her know how special she is to me.....
But I can tell she is moving on. That I'm not enough for her. I can see she thinks that there is someone else out there for her that will love her more than I do. I tried telling her that her"new lover'' won't love her. That he won't look out for her in ways that I do. She doesn't understand that I really care about HER. I love her not because she can make me happy, or that she has something I would like. I love her unconditionally. She cries at night because no one is there for her. She talks to her friends about how she wants someone .. anyone to love her. All this time she does it in front of me like I can't hear her or see her. She does it like I don't what that from her. She wants a prince to rescue her but she chooses not to look at me. If she would just look at me once.... Truly look at me then she would see that my arms have been waiting wide open for her since she left. But she never sees that. She can't see the tears I have cried for her. She can't see my heart being torn apart, because instead of running to me she's running away. She's running into the arms of a sinner,a lair,and a man who will show her no respect. A man who will not love her like I do. I want her to be loved and protected. She refuses to think I know how to do that. She thinks she is the best judge of who that is.
Many people say to give up. She wants me to stop loving her. But as long as she runs I will still love her the same. Every day I have my arms waiting for her. So that when she wakes up and sees that she has forgotten her first love she will turn and see my open arms. I'm so really to hold her once more. I want nothing more but to wipe her tears away and all the filth she feels away with it. Oh how I miss my dear one...

1 comment:

  1. It's hard to watch isn't it!! Just want to rush in a doing something to help. Only... when WE rush in it never brings about lasting change. Only HE will do. Only HIS love will bring healing. Only HIS plan will bring the needed change. Only HIS love will satisfy.

    You have good insight. Almost like you've been there yourself!! ;-) Love you, Brandie!!